Lonely Boy By Andrew Gold (Asylum, 1977)

A lovely piece of California baked pop courtesy of Andrew Gold [although the album version has them stretching and tearin’ it up a lot harder]. But a closer listen to the lyrics, and they reveal an indisputable truth: Andrew is a whiny little bitch.

His parents go out of the way to provide clothes and an education, which he acknowledges, hoping it teaches him some street smarts and life lessons (which it doesn’t), but still, he’s a lonely boy. Why? Do his parents keep him in a trunk in the basement like The Gimp from Pulp Fiction? Does he look like the kid from Mask? Oh no, it’s much worse. His parents “brought him a sister.” Oh, the horrors!

How dare they have a second child! They made a pact with Andrew that he was their only son, which he took to mean that he was the “only one.” Granted, he was two when he made this realization. He was still crapping in his pants, but he figured out hierarchy and genealogy.

His parents let him that she’s a baby. We have to take a little extra care of her, you know, cause SHE’S A BABY, Andrew! Nothing in this song tells you that they ignore him for the next sixteen years. But by the time he turns 18, he’s had enough of his stupid parents sharing their love-for-both-kids bullshit and leaves home. God forbid his parents were Catholic, and he would have to split that love six more times.

Then as he rubs his handlebar mustache and laughs a Snidely Whiplash cackle, he tells of how God got back at his sister. He gave her a son. And now she….oh wait, what’s the problem? Oh, now she has a son to lie to, I guess if she has more kids. I’m so confused by this point about what Andrew is trying to prove. Is this really the guy that wrote, Thank You for Being A Friend? I guess after a family intervention and court-appointed therapy, he had to. Coincidentally he recorded for Asylum Records.